I'm not an anxious person. I've not dealt with anxiety on a personal level in most aspects of my life. But pregnancy seems to bring it out of me. Since finding out we are expecting our second baby, my mind is constantly racing. How will Henry take this? Will it be hard to be a family of four when we're so used to the three of us? Is the baby okay in there? What if I'm eating the wrong things? I was so nauseous earlier but now I'm not, is everything okay? What will happen with my job? What will happen with my magazine? Will Brandon and I ever sleep again?
I assume this all comes with growing a tiny person but it's overwhelming. I didn't feel this way when I was pregnant with Henry. Maybe it's because I was naive in my first pregnancy but these thoughts just didn't enter my head. Or maybe it's because we had to try so much harder for this baby than with Henry. Either way, I didn't feel this way the first time around.
This first trimester has really brought it out of me. For as sick as I've been, if I go an hour where I'm not sick, I start to worry. "Oh no! I feel almost normal, what is wrong?!" And then the nausea will come roaring back and with it will come some relief because, in my head, that means that everything is okay with the little baby inside. I have no doubt that once I'm able to feel the twists and kicks of the baby I'll feel settled, but until then I'm just a bundle of nerves. The thing is, I know the statistics. I know too many women in my life who have had to go through the agony of a miscarriage. I'm terrified to become one of them. And in all honesty, I don't know if I'd have it in me to try again.
Tomorrow we have our 12 week ultrasound and it'll be the first time we're able to hear the heartbeat and see the baby looking like an actual baby and not a smudge. I'm hoping that this appointment will allow me to relax a little. And that I'll be able to sit back and just enjoy my last pregnancy and soak up the secret kicks inside. Fingers crossed.