The Reluctant Playmate

The Reluctant Playmate

“Mommy, can you play with me?”

It’s the fourth time he’s asked in the three hours he’s been awake. We’ve played Uno, we’ve played Candyland, we’ve played kitchen, we’ve colored and painted and blown bubbles. And now I just want to sit. But the hope in his voice gets me every time. I’m supposed to want to play, right? I’m supposed to be eager to spend every single moment with my children because pretty soon they won’t be children at all and they’ll never want to play with me and then my house will be empty and I’ll feel so alone.

But the fact is: I don’t always want to play.

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The Worst Question

The Worst Question

I can picture it like it was yesterday.  Me, Henry, and Harrison were sitting at our dark brown dinner table.  Brandon was out of town for work, again. It had been a long day of playing, rocking, feeding, screaming, coping.  I was counting down the minutes until it would be bedtime and I’d finally be alone. I set Henry’s paper plate of peanut butter and jelly in front of him.  Harrison had been crying for nearly ten minutes by now. Why? I’m not really sure, and I doubt he was either. But he was mad and he wanted everyone to know it.

I tried to feed him bites of the mashed potatoes he normally scarfed down.  He screamed more. I tried to give him a bottle filled with watered-down apple juice.  He slammed his tiny fists down onto his highchair tray. Over and over he screamed until he was so red in the face, I thought he was going to choke.

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Harrison : 09 Months

Harrison : 09 Months

9 months! We’ve survived nine months - all of us! And just as last month, things are still improving month over month. You’re a happier baby, month over month. You’re a more flexible baby, month over month. You are so fun to watch these days. You are obsessed with the kitty, just like your brother was. You crawl to him, and open your mouth like you’re either going to kiss him or eat him. And then you rub your head along his fur. He doesn’t seem to hate you as much as he hated Henry, or, he’s just sick of fighting :) Either way, it’s so fun to watch you chase after him.

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Harrison : 08 Months

Harrison : 08 Months

This was a month of first’s. You got your first two teeth (on the bottom). You said Mama for the first time (I will forever be glad that at least one of my two kids said Mama first). You are THISCLOSE to crawling but somehow still manage to get yourself around a room - I suspect a bit of scooting when no one is looking. You also got your first flu shot - and I didn’t even realize she had given it to you because you didn’t make a peep. I think it’s possibly those massive thighs of yours - couldn’t even feel it.

It’s been a great month.

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A Thank You Note to My Son

A Thank You Note to My Son

Over the past eight months, you have often had to play second fiddle to your brother. At first, it was the newness of it all as your dad and I tried (often unsuccessfully) to juggle this gigantic shift in our lives where we now had two kids to take care of.

After that, and for quite a few months in a row, it was that Harrison was a HARD baby. He didn’t sleep, he cried a lot, and we were beyond exhausted. We snapped at you a lot in that time, and we often didn’t mean to. But we were frustrated, angry, sad, and sometimes just miserable. And we took it out on you. When you asked us a question, or needed help with something, or got upset like any other four-year-old does, we snapped because we couldn’t take ONE MORE THING.

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Harrison : 07 Months

Harrison : 07 Months

I can't stop thinking about how different of a baby you are these days.  From the first 5 or so months of your life to now, it's like we have a completely different baby living with us.  And let me tell you, we're all so much happier these days - you included.  You're a HAPPY baby now.  We even have strangers stop us, you give them that incredible grin you have, and they remark about what a happy baby you are.  And finally, I'm able to say "yes, he is".  Plus, we just have a lot of people stopping us to tell you how beautiful you are.  It's those big blue eyes man, so much like your brothers.  Between the two of you, you guys are always turning heads when we're out.

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Henry as a Big Brother

Henry as a Big Brother

I remember the moment that Henry met Harrison.  It was one of the best and also scariest moments of my life.  Leading up to Harrison's birth, we talked to Henry about how life was going to change and tried to make him understand (as best a 3 year old could) that things would be different.  But still, I worried.  So on that day when he walked into the hospital room, my heart was racing.

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I've Been Beating Myself Up

I've Been Beating Myself Up

There was a time, not long ago, where I felt in control of my life.  Every day I got up and I knew what would happen, I could guess how I would feel, and I counted on that.  I can pinpoint when that changed.
It was January 30, 2018 at 3:29 pm.  
That is the exact moment that a beautiful little boy (who I was so convinced was a girl) came screaming into my life.  We named him Harrison.  And since then, over these last six months, I've felt anything but in control.

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Mothering as an Introvert

Mothering as an Introvert

I am an introvert through and through.  Though I may not have had the name for it early on, I always knew that I felt physically drained from being around people for long stretches of time.  Groups of people intimidate me.  Having to make small talk makes me want to hide in a corner.  And I need time away from everyone in order to feel like myself again.  For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me, so I just kept pushing myself to be more "normal". 

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I've Been a Work at Home Mom for 2 Months

I've Been a Work at Home Mom for 2 Months

It's been nearly two months since I left my corporate job to stay at home with my boys and run the magazine from the comfort of my bedroom.  I don't know if it's because I only went back to work for two weeks following my maternity leave, or if that's just how life goes when you stay at home, but it feels like I've been gone from the corporate world a lot longer.

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The Start of My Next Chapter

The Start of My Next Chapter

Today is the close of one chapter and the beginning of another. 

Ever since I was old enough, I have worked full-time.  Throughout college I worked while going to school, with a new job ready for me as soon as I graduated.  The longest absence I’ve taken from the working world was for the maternity leave I had with both of my sons.

Well, today I’m leaving behind the corporate world as I step into a new chapter of my life.

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