Posts in MOTHERHOOD
To My First Born

You're going to be a big brother any day now and it's taken me a long time to realize just how much its affecting me that you'll no longer be the only baby in my life.  I have spent the last nine months preparing you for welcoming a new little person into our lives, but I haven't spent much time preparing myself.  

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36 weeks

36 weeks down.  4 (or less) to go.  I had Henry at 37 weeks, so I wouldn't be mad to introduce this teeny one into our family next week.  I'm miserably uncomfortable at this point.  With Henry I was on bed rest starting at 34 weeks and I'm now seeing how much better that was physically for my body.  I get exhausted walking around at work.  Hell, I get exhausted getting off the couch.

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10 Weeks to Go

At 30 weeks pregnant, I can barely remember the nausea of the first twenty weeks.  Maybe this is what people mean when they say you forget all of the hardships of pregnancy and it makes you more willing to do it again.  (Note to Grandmas: We're done after this one, don't get your hopes up.)  When I was pregnant with Henry, I was sick right up until the very end so I never got enjoy this honeymoon period.  But this baby is taking it a lot easier on me.  

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5 Things At the Moment

Life has felt overwhelming lately.  In both the best ways, and some really tough ways.  I sit down to write and nothing comes out.  I don't know where to start with all of these thoughts swirling around in my head.  Some of them I'm not able to say out loud yet, others just sound repetitive.  So instead I walk away.  I take a break.  And somehow I find myself back here three weeks later feeling the same.  So instead, here's a run-down of things in my head...

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Baking a Life

As he grows, I'm constantly questioning if we're doing the right things.  It's a typical parenting feeling, I'd assume, but I hope that we're teaching him well and loving him even better.  I want to pour into him the things that I've learned in my 34 years of life, but I want to give him the space to mix up his own thoughts and feelings and emotions.  He's a part of me, but separate from me.  He's his own individual and sometimes it takes me a second to remember that.  So I give him bits and pieces, I help to guide him, but I also step back and watch.

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A glimpse at life these days

It's early.  The sun is still hiding, but our house is awake and moving.  It's 6:57 am and we're ready to hit the road to head to work/daycare/work.  Henry is on my lap while I'm putting socks, pants, and then shoes on.  He's pushing against my growing belly and as I reach down to put the left sock on, I realize just how long his legs have gotten.  The drape down over my own.  They're long and skinny and sprouting the lightest blond hair.  He has to bend his knee for me to reach his foot.  Will I still be able to have him sit on my lap in a few months when my belly is an eight month belly?

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Capturing the Mundane

Seeing me with a camera in my hand is a pretty standard sight in our house.  I'm always capturing little moments of our days - some that seem pretty important (like when we announced Baby 2), others seem fairly boring (like many of the photos below).  But still, I keep clicking.  I was asked recently why I like taking photos and the answer is simple - there is beauty in the mundane and I want to capture it. 

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Creating His Own Path

Last Thursday night after dinner, we took advantage of the decidedly summer temperatures, even though we were well into September with only one day to go until the season officially changed to fall.  We headed to get icecream to soak up a bit more of the day before nighttime took over.

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MOTHERHOODSarah HartleyComment
Halfway

Today marks 20 weeks of this pregnancy and now that I'm through the first trimester, things seem to be moving much quicker.  I've battled through the really tough initial parts and have finally made it to the other side.  A quick look at where I am these days:

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He Doesn't Like Me

Realistically, I know that not everyone will like my son.  And I know that because I know that not everyone likes me, and that's just life.  But hearing the hurt in his three-year-old voice cut through me like a knife.  And it made me realize another part of this parenting journey that I'm not quite ready for - broken hearts, broken friendships, the feeling of sadness when it's bigger than "Daddy won't let me have a third pack of fruit snacks".

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Awake

At 8:15 pm, B tiptoed out of Henry's room and quietly closed the door.  Just as we have so many other nights since Henry was born.  B went to our bedroom to watch a show while I sprawled on the couch to watch a different show.  It was a typical night Friday night.  

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The Secret

I can feel you in there so faintly.  So unexpectedly.  That quick flutter, the subtle poke.  You're reminding me that you're there, as if I've ever forgotten.  As if you're not on my mind nearly 24 hours a day.  My tiny little nugget with two arms and two legs, with a strong heartbeat in the 150's and the fingerprints that identify you as your own tiny person.  At 16 weeks, you're as big as an avocado now and pretty soon these subtle jabs will feel like an assault from the outside in.

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Quiet Time

It's 4:25 pm and we've just pulled into our driveway after a long day of work and daycare.  I slowly drag myself out of my car, take a few extra steps around to his side of the car, enjoying those few seconds before I'm officially a mom again.  I open the door and unbuckle him from his car seat and lift him out.  My arms feel extra heavy today.  There's no smile on my face as he excitedly runs towards the house ready to play with me.

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The Joy of Conquering

One of the most amazing things about being a parent is watching your child conquer something they previously couldn't.  And it happens constantly from the time they are born - conquering rolling over, conquering sitting up, conquering walking and so on.  But yet each time Henry conquers something new, I have the same reaction - an immense burst of pride.  This tiny person that I helped to create has accomplished something he has wanted to do.

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The Anxiety of Pregnancy

I'm not an anxious person.  I've not dealt with anxiety on a personal level in most aspects of my life.  But pregnancy seems to bring it out of me.  Since finding out we are expecting our second baby, my mind is constantly racing.  How will Henry take this?  Will it be hard to be a family of four when we're so used to the three of us?  Is the baby okay in there?  What if I'm eating the wrong things?  I was so nauseous earlier but now I'm not, is everything okay?  What will happen with my job?  What will happen with my magazine?  Will Brandon and I ever sleep again?

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When Motherhood is Hard

"Henry, PLEASE stop doing that.  You're making me angry!"  I could see his little lip begin to quiver as I had just shouted those words at him.  His blue eyes turned glassy and I knew another round of tears was coming.  It had been one of those days and the continuous meltdowns had me more frustrated than I knew how to deal with.

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