36 weeks

36 weeks

36 weeks down.  4 (or less) to go.  I had Henry at 37 weeks, so I wouldn't be mad to introduce this teeny one into our family next week.  I'm miserably uncomfortable at this point.  With Henry I was on bed rest starting at 34 weeks and I'm now seeing how much better that was physically for my body.  I get exhausted walking around at work.  Hell, I get exhausted getting off the couch.

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10 Weeks to Go

10 Weeks to Go

At 30 weeks pregnant, I can barely remember the nausea of the first twenty weeks.  Maybe this is what people mean when they say you forget all of the hardships of pregnancy and it makes you more willing to do it again.  (Note to Grandmas: We're done after this one, don't get your hopes up.)  When I was pregnant with Henry, I was sick right up until the very end so I never got enjoy this honeymoon period.  But this baby is taking it a lot easier on me.  

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5 Things At the Moment

5 Things At the Moment

Life has felt overwhelming lately.  In both the best ways, and some really tough ways.  I sit down to write and nothing comes out.  I don't know where to start with all of these thoughts swirling around in my head.  Some of them I'm not able to say out loud yet, others just sound repetitive.  So instead I walk away.  I take a break.  And somehow I find myself back here three weeks later feeling the same.  So instead, here's a run-down of things in my head...

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Baking a Life

Baking a Life

As he grows, I'm constantly questioning if we're doing the right things.  It's a typical parenting feeling, I'd assume, but I hope that we're teaching him well and loving him even better.  I want to pour into him the things that I've learned in my 34 years of life, but I want to give him the space to mix up his own thoughts and feelings and emotions.  He's a part of me, but separate from me.  He's his own individual and sometimes it takes me a second to remember that.  So I give him bits and pieces, I help to guide him, but I also step back and watch.

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A glimpse at life these days

A glimpse at life these days

It's early.  The sun is still hiding, but our house is awake and moving.  It's 6:57 am and we're ready to hit the road to head to work/daycare/work.  Henry is on my lap while I'm putting socks, pants, and then shoes on.  He's pushing against my growing belly and as I reach down to put the left sock on, I realize just how long his legs have gotten.  The drape down over my own.  They're long and skinny and sprouting the lightest blond hair.  He has to bend his knee for me to reach his foot.  Will I still be able to have him sit on my lap in a few months when my belly is an eight month belly?

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Capturing the Mundane

Capturing the Mundane

Seeing me with a camera in my hand is a pretty standard sight in our house.  I'm always capturing little moments of our days - some that seem pretty important (like when we announced Baby 2), others seem fairly boring (like many of the photos below).  But still, I keep clicking.  I was asked recently why I like taking photos and the answer is simple - there is beauty in the mundane and I want to capture it. 

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He Doesn't Like Me

He Doesn't Like Me

Realistically, I know that not everyone will like my son.  And I know that because I know that not everyone likes me, and that's just life.  But hearing the hurt in his three-year-old voice cut through me like a knife.  And it made me realize another part of this parenting journey that I'm not quite ready for - broken hearts, broken friendships, the feeling of sadness when it's bigger than "Daddy won't let me have a third pack of fruit snacks".

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The Secret

The Secret

I can feel you in there so faintly.  So unexpectedly.  That quick flutter, the subtle poke.  You're reminding me that you're there, as if I've ever forgotten.  As if you're not on my mind nearly 24 hours a day.  My tiny little nugget with two arms and two legs, with a strong heartbeat in the 150's and the fingerprints that identify you as your own tiny person.  At 16 weeks, you're as big as an avocado now and pretty soon these subtle jabs will feel like an assault from the outside in.

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Quiet Time

Quiet Time

It's 4:25 pm and we've just pulled into our driveway after a long day of work and daycare.  I slowly drag myself out of my car, take a few extra steps around to his side of the car, enjoying those few seconds before I'm officially a mom again.  I open the door and unbuckle him from his car seat and lift him out.  My arms feel extra heavy today.  There's no smile on my face as he excitedly runs towards the house ready to play with me.

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The Joy of Conquering

The Joy of Conquering

One of the most amazing things about being a parent is watching your child conquer something they previously couldn't.  And it happens constantly from the time they are born - conquering rolling over, conquering sitting up, conquering walking and so on.  But yet each time Henry conquers something new, I have the same reaction - an immense burst of pride.  This tiny person that I helped to create has accomplished something he has wanted to do.

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The Anxiety of Pregnancy

The Anxiety of Pregnancy

I'm not an anxious person.  I've not dealt with anxiety on a personal level in most aspects of my life.  But pregnancy seems to bring it out of me.  Since finding out we are expecting our second baby, my mind is constantly racing.  How will Henry take this?  Will it be hard to be a family of four when we're so used to the three of us?  Is the baby okay in there?  What if I'm eating the wrong things?  I was so nauseous earlier but now I'm not, is everything okay?  What will happen with my job?  What will happen with my magazine?  Will Brandon and I ever sleep again?

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The Second

I always knew being pregnant with a second child would be hard.  I didn't expect it to be this hard, though.  There are days, like today, where I'm on the verge of tears at every turn.  Where life just feels HARD and I cannot imagine another 6 or so months of this - plus, then, of course the newborn stage.  

This pregnancy is starting out eerily similar to Henry's in that I'm nauseous 24/7 and I'm so exhausted it feels hard to function on most days.  The difference is, with my first pregnancy, I wasn't also chasing after a toddler and running a business in addition to my day job.  The first time around, I got to nap on my lunch break and I got to come home from work and take a nap, and I could go to bed at 7 pm if I needed to.  

But what do you do when your body just wants, needs, to shut down and you aren't actually in a position to do it?  

I'm lucky in that I have an amazing support system.  My husband tries to give me a break as much as he possibly can so that I can rest and breathe and try not to vomit.  And my magazine team has taken over as much as they can from me so that I'm not forced to work every single night.  But right now it feels as if it's all not enough and I'm struggling to stay afloat.

Plus, add to this the guilt.  

Oh, the guilt.  It swallows you up faster than you even knew possible as soon as that stick shows two pink lines.  As someone who has always wondered if they're doing enough, now the pressure has increased ten-fold.  I know I'm not spending enough time playing with my son because I just don't have the energy.  I know I'm not spending enough time being a wife because I just need to sleep.  And I know that I'm letting things slip to the wayside for the magazine because I just don't have the brain power.  And the guilt takes back over.

Plenty of people get pregnant with second children every single day.  So why can't I just pick myself up and function like a normal human being?

I am so, so thankful to be pregnant.  We waited a long time for this one.  But in the past three-ish years, I've seemed to forget how completely devastating pregnancy is on my body.  It consumes me from head to toe, violently reminding me every time I smell a food that doesn't agree with me, or I can't remember what I'm supposed to do next, or how to put one foot in front of the other.  Pregnancy is hard.  At least for me.  And though the end of this will all be worth it, right now I just have to figure out how to survive.

Baby H 2.0

There has been a little something I've been keeping all to myself, for the last 9 weeks or so... We're having another baby!  I know I recently talked about the trouble we were having getting pregnant the second time around, and apparently the admission freed up my body to do what we'd been hoping it would do.  (And actually, it's possible that I was pregnant when I wrote that!)

Baby H, The Second is due on February 6th, just 3 days before Henry's birthday.  So far things are feeling exactly the same as they did with Henry.  I'm miserable 24/7 and so, so exhausted.  Though, at least last time, I didn't have a toddler and a business to also take care of.  Let's just say, my husband has gotten the short end of the stick in the past couple of months.

More to come, but I'm feeling so thankful that we've made it this far.  Here's to hoping for a healthy pregnancy for the next 7 months.

Henry-isms, Vol III

While outside with Brandon who was putting grass filler on the ground
Henry: What are you doing, daddy?
Brandon: I'm putting grass seed down on the bare spots so the grass will grow.
Henry: Hmm, I don't think the bears will eat that.

While telling him a made up story about two of his girl friends
Me: And Sophia and Emma started fighting saying that Henry was THEIR boyfriend, and Henry said....
Henry: You can both be my friends if you stop fighting!

While relaxing after work and daycare
Me: Do you want to watch a show and play puzzles?
Henry: Um, sure.  I don't want you to be angry, but can we watch Paw Patrol?

While watching a show together
Henry: Are you happy right now?
Me: I'm very happy!
Henry: Why are you happy?
Me: Because you make me happy.  I think you're very funny.
Henry: *leans over and kisses my cheek*
Me: *melted puddle*

When getting ready to go to the park
Henry: *comes to the living room with pants, socks, and shoes* Mommy, I got all the things.

While playing puzzles with Brandon
Henry: I won, you're a loser
Brandon: It's not nice to call someone a loser
Henry: Well, everyone's a loser if they can't win!

While playing with a flashlight with Brandon
Brandon: *pushes the button to turn on the flashlight*
Henry: Why'd you push the damn button?

While walking through Walmart
Me: Henry, look at that giant blow up whale!
Henry: Mom, that's an ORCA
Me: How do YOU know?
Henry: Because I'm super smart

While watching Trolls
Henry: *pulls down his underwear* Look, I'm Guy Diamond!
(If you don't know who Guy Diamond is from Trolls, click here)
 

Henry-isms, Vol I // Henry-isms, Vol II