It's in the darkness that it creeps in. Slowly, purposefully, infiltrating the fibers between my head and my heart. It's when I'm trying to put the day behind me and fall into a deep sleep that it rushes over me. It's the guilt that I can't ignore.
Over the summer my family's future was very uncertain. One of B's offices will soon be closing and he had the opportunity to move to a new office and take over a new area. It would've put us about an hour closer to home. We weighed the options repeatedly never knowing exactly what we should do. Finding pros and cons about each. In the end, we decided to stay where we are and take our chances with the future of his job. We stayed because of me. We stayed because I have a job I enjoy working for a company filled with really great and caring people. We didn't know if we'd have that in a new area, if I'd be able to find something that I liked so much. And after putting so much time into my education, it's been important to me to have a career I like. We would also still be far enough from home that we wouldn't have the family support we've been needing. And we weren't sure what kind of area we'd be moving to, and we were afraid to give up the great school district that we're in now. And because B always wants me to be happy, he left the decision mostly up to me. So we stayed and we bought our house.
But now I feel that guilt. I wonder if we made the right decision, or if I was too selfish. Would living an hour closer to home (2.5 hours instead of 3.5) have made our lives easier? Would we be able to have more help when we needed it. Would B be happier in his job? Would we have been happier there?
Those weeks when things are just so hard here without the support of our families. Those days when I don't love my job. Those days when B comes home from a rough day at work. That's when the guilt pours over me and I don't know how to stop it. So I push it to the side and try not to think about it. But then as soon as the darkness comes, there it is again like a waterfall. Pouring and pouring and it won't stop.