I'm Not Perfect

Inspired by this post, I wanted to offer up my own admissions so that maybe you'll learn a little more about me, maybe you'll understand more of who I am and where I'm coming from, and maybe you'll see that I'm more than just words on a screen.  Buckle up kids.  This shit is about to get real (and very long)!

Every morning as I get dressed, I stand in front of my full length mirror and suck my stomach in , and then once I'm dressed, I do it again and think about how great I'll look in clothes once I lose weight.  I despise working out.  Even now when I workout in my basement, most days I find an excuse not to do it- I'm too tired, the baby kept me up too late, it's cold down there, etc.  I also despise dieting and have a severe hatred for the metabolism that I now have in my early 30's.  After being pregnant, I was labeled as "obese" (according to my BMI) for the first time ever, and I can't seem to forget that.  I want to change, but then I just make the above excuses.  And then I get mad at myself for making excuses.  It's a vicious cycle, really.

I can be very hard to get to know, but once you do, I really have no boundaries for what I will tell you.  The one thing I don't talk about though, is troubles in my marriage.  It's not that I want everyone to believe that we're perfect (because we certainly aren't), I just don't want people to look at me, or at B in a different way.  But I will tell you that when we do have troubles, I'm not very good at saying "I'm Sorry".  I tend to retreat into myself, silently fume, and wait for it to pass.  Conflict has never been my strong suit.

I very rarely shave my legs, only shower every couple days, and hate to brush my teeth.  All of these things have to do with laziness.  I can be incredibly lazy.  I've often missed meals because I'm too lazy to get up and walk to the kitchen.  I like to wait until B is up to ask him to bring me something instead.  As much as I get anxious when I'm surrounded by clutter, I can't seem to stop myself from causing more of it.  My clothes for the week get thrown on my bedroom floor- less than a foot from my hamper.  I hate doing laundry because I hate putting it away.  I'll fold all day long, but I cannot stand having to hang things up.  I usually do it in stages- I'll separate it, fold it, and then leave the pile to be hung on my bed so that B has to move it before we go to bed.  The next day, I'll put it back on the bed with the intention of hanging it up, only for it to be put back on the floor by B that night.  I recently heard a saying "If you can do it in two minutes, do it", and I'm trying so hard to live by that.

I cry (often) at military commercials and any shows having to do with family.  If I see a group of siblings come together, it tears at my heart.  I also cry (often) at engagement stories, and even more so at birth stories.  I'm pretty certain I talk and write too much about my kid, but I can't help it.  I hate that everyone was right about me loving my own child even though I didn't (and still don't) like kids.  I am incredibly awkward around any other kids (unless I'm related to them).  I just don't know how to interact.  I was recently at a restaurant picking up takeout and a boy about Henry's age was waving at me.  I pretended I didn't see him because I felt weird waving to a kid I didn't know.

I've hated my nose since I was young and still feel hurt by some of the names I was called.  But if ever given the opportunity to fix it (read: money), I wouldn't because I'd be so afraid that I wouldn't look like me anymore.  Most of the time when I first meet someone, I am convinced all they're thinking is what a big nose I have (Red Riding Hood style).  I told my wedding photographer she COULD NOT shoot any photos of me from the side.  Luckily she listened.  I do love my eyes though and think they're my best feature and I'm so, so glad that Henry has my eyes.  I have terrible skin and have since I was younger.  But at this point my scars have faded enough that I don't think about it often unless I'm trying to get dressed up for somewhere really fancy.  I've tried every product out there to try and fade the remaining scars but I think they're here to stay.

I'm constantly comparing myself to others even though I know I have a pretty great life.  I always want her style, or her skills.  I want my blog to be as popular as hers, or I want to write as funny of stories as she does.  I care far too much about what others think, even if I don't like to admit it.  I get nervous when people I know read my blog and am constantly convinced that they're going to make fun of me for something I've said (this post is giving them plenty of ammunition, no?).  I don't think I have anything interesting to say and don't know how my blog has gone on this long.  I'm having a really hard time being back at work and often wonder if I should've just become a stay at home mom.

I'm scared to have a second baby because I don't know if I/we can handle all that comes with having two.  We're both frustrated so quickly that having to deal with that much chaos concerns me.  Also, with just having one, I'm still able to be a little bit selfish and have time to myself.  And although I like time to myself, I don't want to be BY myself.  I like being with someone else the majority of the time, as long as I have space to go to when I need it.  I want to be with someone when I want to be, not when they want to be.  And that is basically the definition of selfishness.  And lest you still think I'm a good person- I'm also incredibly impatient.  I want something when I want it.  And because I tend to get things done quickly, I expect everyone else to as well and get upset when they take longer than I would like them to.

I think that's enough about me for now....

If you have made it this far, I'm very proud of you.  I hope that you don't like me less due to any of the things you just learned.  And even more, I hope that you'll leave me a comment below or on Facebook and tell me something about YOU that I might not know.