That Grin

I'm looking over at him.  Studying him.  Looking at every inch of his face trying to figure out just who that part reminds me of.  He's playing independently as if he doesn't have a care in the world, doesn't need anyone or anything except those brightly colored rings.  But then he glances up at me.  Just for a second.  And he grins.  It's that grin that his dad has.  That grin that I fell in love with.  And then fell in love with it all over again when he did it.  And it's in that grin that I wonder...

  • Does he really need me?
  • Does he understand how much I love him?  How much we love him?
  • Does he realize just how often we think of him, hoping that he is happy and healthy and safe?
  • Are we doing enough?
  • Are we involved, do we teach and play enough?
  • Will he grow up to be a happy person?
  • Will he grow up knowing that his parents are his absolute biggest, number one fans?
  • And if we ever have a second baby, will he know it's not because we didn't feel complete with just him?

Because I do.  Everything about my family of three feels complete.  I feel that he and his father are all that I need.  He has turned my life completely upside down, he has turned me into a different person, and he has changed the dynamic of my marriage.  He is everything I never knew that I wanted or needed in the world.  He makes me feel like I have a purpose.  A reason to get up every morning.  I'm responsible for making him into a good person- a person who will help out his friends and neighbors, who will love his family unconditionally, who will know how to love and accept love.

Sometimes that responsibility feels overwhelming.  If I'm still growing and changing and learning and making mistakes, how can I possibly teach someone else how to grow and change and learn?  But in that grin I see something else.  I see the look of someone who trusts me implicitly.  The look of someone who will look to me for advice and comfort and hope and support.  And when I look back at him, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can do that.  I can be those things for him no matter where our lives may lead us.