Stream of Consciousness, vol. 2

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vintage-jeans-zara-boyfriends Life feels weird lately.  I feel like I'm living through the "in-between" right now.  I'm in-between so many different phases of life that sometimes I find myself feeling confused about where to go and how to get there.  The magazine is going well, but I want it to go farther (and ideally, turn into something that will make me a profit).  I feel in-between with parenthood.  We're at that stage where the topic of baby #2 comes up, but I'm in-between not being ready and feeling like if we're going to do this, it should probably be soon-ish so that they aren't too far apart in age.  (No, I'm not pregnant and no, I don't plan to be soon - for those Grandmas and Sisters reading.)  I think part of this feeling is the time of year.  We're getting to the end of summer and beginning of fall, so it feels in-between.  There are other in-betweens, but for the sake of simplicity and confidentiality, we'll leave it there.

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I feel more inspired recently than I have in years.  My ears are open more, and my eyes are taking more in.  Everything around me feels like an inspiration and I want to breathe it all in and infuse it into the magazine.  The magazine feels like my biggest professional accomplishment to date, and yet I still have a hard time really talking about it.  If I talk about it, and it fails, that means I have to explain to more people what happened.  So if I just keep it small and contained, I can grow and nurture it and not feel too much pressure.  But then I feel like I have to talk about it in order for it to grow.  (In-between.)

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I miss my friends.  I miss having dinners and glasses of wine and laughing so hard that my cheeks hurt for hours.  But yet, I've lived away from my friends for years and years now.  Something about this stage of my life though has made me long for those relationships again.  I think it's becoming a mother.  I want to have my son grow up around my friends' kids and I want to go on playdates and gossip.  These are the times that make me wonder if we did the right thing by staying out here in PA.

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I find myself just sitting and smiling at Henry so often these days.  He's truly becoming his own person and it's fascinating getting to watch that happen up close.  He can be doing the most mundane of things- running his cars over the windowsill for the umpteenth time- and yet I'm still smiling.  I'm not sure before I got pregnant or while he was inside me that I ever realized just how fascinating it would be to raise a child.

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I just started reading this book and it's made me truly stop and think about how I am raising Henry.  When I was pregnant, I didn't read ALL OF THE BOOKS, and I didn't figure out what kind of parenting advice I was going to follow, and for the most part, I just took all advice I was given with a grain of salt.  And since he's been born, I still haven't read ALL OF THE BOOKS, or followed any strict parenting advice.  All I've done is what felt right for me, for B and for Henry.  And maybe I'm raising him different than someone else would, but it's what works for us- and he's a truly healthy, happy boy.  He can play happily independently, and he sleeps through the night in his own bed, and he knows how to dust himself off and pick himself up when he falls.  And those are the things that are important to me.  I don't want to bubble wrap him, I want him to go out and have adventures and scrape his knee and learn that he can do it all on his own.  But that's how my parenting style works, and that's how my parenting style works for THIS baby.  Everything could be different with a second.  And I truly think that's one of the great things about parenting- you can change up everything as you go depending on your child's personality, your point in life, and what you need.  YOU get to make the decisions, no one else.

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I've been thinking more and more about online privacy for Henry lately.  He's getting older, he's beginning to look like himself more than just like a baby, and he's becoming who he really is.  It saddens me that I even have to think about this, but there are some major creeps out there.  I'm seeing more and more frequently on Instagram that people are creating fake accounts and stealing photos of other kids and saying they're their own.  In this social media obsessed world, it's terrifying what we have to think of.  I go back and forth every single time I post a photo of Henry because I'm terrified of what could happen.  But then on the other hand, I love that I'm able to share how he's growing up here in this space.  Because aside from the relationships I've developed through this blog, this is also a personal journal.  I'm documenting our daily lives and someday he'll get to read this and see what his life was like, what he did, where we took him, and how much he was/is loved.  This is a place for my family so it's a shame that we have to question what is put out there.  But honestly, I'm not sure how to handle it.  So instead I post less and carefully craft photos of him for more privacy.

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I'm feeling a bit lost in our home decorating scheme.  I want to paint, don't have the energy (or funds).  I want to buy art, but don't know what I want.  I want some special pieces around the house, but have a toddler who likes to touch things.  I want to remove the hideous wallpaper border that is still lingering around the master bedroom, but don't know how to get it off.  See?  In-betweens.

Happy weekend to all.