All my life I've been a planner and a dreamer. The two go hand in hand, but not always in the best way. I like to plan days and events. But when I do, the dreamer side of me also "plans" how the event will go in my head. I dream up visions of each scenario, big or small, and get overly excited about the way that something is bound to go.
Since becoming a mom, this side of me has taken a serious hit. My fellow parents understand that life with a child very rarely goes the way you plan, or expect it to. I can dream up the biggest, greatest vision, and plan it to perfection, but that in no way guarantees that it'll go that way. I often have hard time with this. Because I've developed this vision in my head, when it doesn't go the way I've planned, I find myself feeling down, cranky and often upset. Not upset at a particular person, just upset that I won't get the memory I sought out.
In the past few months I can think of several scenarios that fall into this category.
Taking Henry to his very first pumpkin patch, I was so excited to let him run around the giant field, touching all the pumpkins, playing with the kids in the "corn pit", petting the animals in the petting area, and of course, getting that adorable family photo once we'd chosen our pumpkin. Instead, the day was blisteringly cold and because of that Henry was in a rotten mood, didn't want to play with anything, and whined most of the time.
Over the holidays I was elated to take Henry to the zoo lights in Toledo, lights I had grown up seeing each year for Christmas, and in my humble opinion, the best display of Christmas lights I'd ever seen. We stayed in Toledo an extra day to take him the day after Thanksgiving, only to be let down when it was pouring down rain, so we couldn't go. We tried again after Christmas, and again, it was pouring down rain. So instead we took him to Children's Wonderland, another place I had grown up going to, thinking he'd be delighted to see all of the animatronic displays and kids running around. Instead, he was developing a cold and so was again in a rotten mood. Throwing tantrums that he doesn't normally throw and being generally unable to please.
The most recent instance came just today. A couple of weeks ago I saw that Sesame Street Live was coming to Pittsburgh and we decided that would be Henry's first "theater" experience. So I bought the pricey tickets and was counting down the days until we would take him to see Elmo (and the others). I was over the moon yesterday thinking about all the ways that he'd love it, how much he'd enjoy seeing them all dance- I even bought tickets on the aisle after learning the puppets dance up and down the aisles with the kids. And then in the middle of the night, Henry started throwing up followed shortly thereafter by Brandon. They each threw up multiple times and it became crystal clear that we wouldn't be spending the day with Elmo and his friends. Needless to say, my vision had been crushed and I woke up after this incredibly restless night feeling disappointed, sad, and all around upset.
In my head when I feel this way I know that it's ridiculous, that I shouldn't feel this way. But I still can't change my mood. I was so looking forward to this with Henry and was excited to spend the day laughing and experiencing something new with my boys. It's a serious character flaw of mine when I am unable to snap myself out of this funk and just focus on the fact that I'm able to stay at home where my boys can rest and get whatever this bug is out of their systems.
So, if you have any serious character flaws that would help me feel better about mine, I'd love to hear them. Those of us who are flawed need to stick together.