It's Too Much
I can feel it starting to creep in. It's like the sun isn't shining anymore and it's always cloudy and gray. My eyelids are constantly heavy and my brain has turned to mush. Simple instructions leave me staring and wondering "what was that again?".
I stare at my computer screen wondering which file I need to open. What needs to be done right this minute? Which emails have I still not responded to and what ones do I even have the answers to? And then I look down and there's a sweet little blond boy playing on the floor saying to me "Mommy, sit!". And I want to. I want to sit down and play cars or trains. I want to. But when I do the gray starts to overtake me again until I realize that if I don't take care of what I need to take care of, I might never enjoy the trains again.
Next thing I know I'm at work and I'm panicking because there is so much to be done after work. I can't focus on anything. There are so many open tabs in my brain that I can't figure out where to even start. I never feel quite present anymore.
It's my own fault. I do this to myself each time. I take on too much, I try my hardest to prove that I am superwoman and I can in fact do it all. Work 40 hours, be a wife, be a mother, and also work at least the same amount on the magazine each week? Sure, I can do that. And I'll do it with a smile on my face. Just don't look too closely into my eyes. I don't want you to see the gray behind them. The exhaustion, the fight, the strain.
The burnout is rolling in like a wave. It's been there all along, just quieter. But it's getting closer to the breaking point now. It's starting to cap, to turn, to rush into land and break. It's getting louder.