I snapped at you yesterday. It had been a long day. I was exhausted. I knew I still had a few hours of work ahead of me. So I snapped when you wouldn't listen to me. I snapped when you just whined at everything I suggested. I snapped when you refused to eat your dinner. I snapped when you just wanted to be held instead of walking alongside me. I snapped because of nothing that had to do with you, and everything that had to do with me.
"Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them." ~From The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
I know that right now we are your whole world, your Dad and I. And let's face it, you're ours, too. We all rely on each other. We are all in charge of taking care of one another. But sometimes it's harder than others. Sometimes I just can't be your whole world. Sometimes I need a minute to breathe and refocus and figure out who I am again.
Right now I don't think that makes sense to you, but it will one day. One day when you're a parent yourself and you get home from work and all you want to do is stare blankly at a wall for a few minutes. Those days when you just need a second to breathe, but instead you immediately jump from employee to parent without a moment in between.
Right now you just see a mom who is distracted, who doesn't want to play trains right this second, who just wants to turn on Thomas the Train and sit there curled up on the couch with you. Sometimes it's just easier.
That's when the guilt comes in. When I know that these years pass by so quickly that I'm going to miss the days when all you wanted was for me to play trains. When the years were so simple that I didn't have to worry about teenage angst, but only about having to hold your weight in my arms.
I hope that when the day comes that you feel those things that I feel- the needing a moment, the wanting to just be a person for a second and not a parent- that you'll understand and you'll forgive me. I hope that you will know that I tried my absolute best for you and with you. That I tried to juggle it all. That I gave it my best shot.
Because you, Henry? You are my greatest joy in life. And those days when I snap and I'm unkind and I don't want to play? I hope you will forgive me for those and remember that I am human, too. I make mistakes and will probably continue to make them. And I'm sorry.