Exactly What I Needed
We were sitting down for dinner having the kind of mindless conversation that are our normal dinnertime conversations. We were laughing at something Henry was doing, or talking about the day we had had swimming, or mentioning that dieting is for the birds. But we were just chatting. Brandon asked me what my plan was for the night and I told him, without wanting to tell him, that I could really use some time to work - that I needed to wrap up the design of Issue 8 and that I just wasn't getting anywhere with it. I didn't want to say those words because I feel like I'm always saying those words, "I need to work".
Being the husband of an entrepreneur cannot be an easy thing. I'm as present as I can be, but I'm sure he knows my mind is always somewhere else on those other things that I need to be doing. Those times at night when we're sitting there "watching TV" together but I'm really on my computer working. Or when we're gone for a weekend and I'm in my own head thinking of all the things I need to do when I get home. It can't be easy. I only have so much of myself to give and I'm already running pretty thin. I'm an employee, and I'm a mom, and I'm a business owner, and I'm trying to have some time for myself to exercise. So where in that does my husband fit? Where do I fit in that I'm a wife, too?
And yet, I never hear a complaint from him. I never hear him groan when I say, "I need to do some work" and then he's in charge of keeping Henry entertained for awhile. I don't see him roll his eyes when he comes home and I'm on the computer and Henry is reading to himself. Even though I want to roll my eyes at myself. But he doesn't, he never does.
That night when he asked me what my plans were and I said, "I need to work", he simply told me okay, that he was going to clean up the kitchen and that I should just go downstairs and get started. So I did. I went downstairs and my desk light was turned on and shining a spotlight on a card that read "Sarah" on the front. I smiled before I opened it.
On the inside he told me how proud of me he was and how it was amazing to watch me this last year fulfill this dream I've always had. And I just sat there for a second dumbfounded and swelling with love at the same time. All of those nights when I felt like I was failing at life because I was stretching myself between all of the different hats I was wearing - he didn't see it that way. He saw me busting my ass at this business of mine. He saw me as "talented and determined" when I saw myself as a failure. And tears filled my eyes the more I thought of it because he truly believes in me and it's exactly what I needed at exactly the right time.
So, with the renewed faith in what I'm doing, I put the card next to a few others that I've received pushing me to do more, and I opened up my laptop and got to work. As the footsteps and the laughter and the playing happened over my head - something that would often reduce me to feeling like that's what I should be doing instead of this - I worked for an hour and a half on building this dream. A dream that my husband wants to be successful for me as much as I do.
And now as I write this, I can feel those tears again because this husband of mine always manages to see the good in me, even when I have a hard time seeing it in myself.