I have this irrational fear that this life I've built for myself is going to be taken away from me, that I'll be stripped bare of Brandon and Henry and I won't know how to get back up. They are my lifeline. They are my pulse.
I see the news stories of children taken away at 2 years, 5 years, 10 years old and each time I do, I burst into a new round of tears, my heart feeling as if it's breaking, unable to stop the sobs. I cannot imagine the pain of that. But yet, I continue to see them. I know that it happens to people like me, in fact, I've heard of it happening to friends of friends. It's never the "bad people" that get diagnosed with cancer. It's the innocent children that are just starting out in this world. It's the mom that is so full of life, and loves her family. It's the father with five children who is so in love with his wife. It's you and me.
I sometimes wake up in a sweat, having dreamed a nightmare of something awful happening to Henry. Of having my beautiful boy taken away from me and not being able to stop it. The feeling doesn't leave me all day. It sits there like a rock in the pit of my stomach. It's heavy. It's overwhelming.
Those are the days that I hug him a little tighter. That I tell him over and over how much I love him. That I try to make sure nothing is left unsaid.
But still, I'm terrified that he and Brandon will never know just what they mean to me. That even if life goes as it's "supposed to" and we grow old together, that they still just won't know. Is there ever a way to let the people in your life know what they mean?
And more importantly, is there a way to stop the feelings of dread that threaten to overtake you like a wave pounding into the shore? How do you learn to live in the moment, to enjoy life as it comes, to just be positive and optimistic? These are things I struggle with daily. But regardless, I try not to leave things unsaid.
This post is written for The Figment, a community writing group for people who love writing.
PS... Apparently I have now entered my fifth year of blogging and sharing my life on the Internet. What a strange ride this has been.