The Second

I always knew being pregnant with a second child would be hard.  I didn't expect it to be this hard, though.  There are days, like today, where I'm on the verge of tears at every turn.  Where life just feels HARD and I cannot imagine another 6 or so months of this - plus, then, of course the newborn stage.  

This pregnancy is starting out eerily similar to Henry's in that I'm nauseous 24/7 and I'm so exhausted it feels hard to function on most days.  The difference is, with my first pregnancy, I wasn't also chasing after a toddler and running a business in addition to my day job.  The first time around, I got to nap on my lunch break and I got to come home from work and take a nap, and I could go to bed at 7 pm if I needed to.  

But what do you do when your body just wants, needs, to shut down and you aren't actually in a position to do it?  

I'm lucky in that I have an amazing support system.  My husband tries to give me a break as much as he possibly can so that I can rest and breathe and try not to vomit.  And my magazine team has taken over as much as they can from me so that I'm not forced to work every single night.  But right now it feels as if it's all not enough and I'm struggling to stay afloat.

Plus, add to this the guilt.  

Oh, the guilt.  It swallows you up faster than you even knew possible as soon as that stick shows two pink lines.  As someone who has always wondered if they're doing enough, now the pressure has increased ten-fold.  I know I'm not spending enough time playing with my son because I just don't have the energy.  I know I'm not spending enough time being a wife because I just need to sleep.  And I know that I'm letting things slip to the wayside for the magazine because I just don't have the brain power.  And the guilt takes back over.

Plenty of people get pregnant with second children every single day.  So why can't I just pick myself up and function like a normal human being?

I am so, so thankful to be pregnant.  We waited a long time for this one.  But in the past three-ish years, I've seemed to forget how completely devastating pregnancy is on my body.  It consumes me from head to toe, violently reminding me every time I smell a food that doesn't agree with me, or I can't remember what I'm supposed to do next, or how to put one foot in front of the other.  Pregnancy is hard.  At least for me.  And though the end of this will all be worth it, right now I just have to figure out how to survive.