Newborns are really freaking hard.
I know it's been four years so I've probably blocked out a majority of the hard times with Henry, but I honestly don't remember it being this hard. Harrison isn't a kid that likes to sleep, and until recently, he spent the majority of the day being cranky. Now, thankfully, it's just the end of the night. But still... HE DOESN'T SLEEP. Did Henry sleep? I swear he did.
I'm sure it has to do with the fact that we're 4 years older, we have a toddler to deal with, and I have a business to try and run, but it's just harder this time. There are so many days that I get to the end of the day and wonder what in the world just happened. The dark circles under my eyes are starting to look dirty pools as they spread farther and farther on my face. Some days I want to give myself a high five just for surviving.
At the end of 2017 when everyone was planning their "word" for the year, I was asked what mine would be. I joked that my word would be "survive". Now it seems that's exactly what I'm trying to do each day - survive. We all are. We're trying to survive as parents and we're trying to survive as a couple and we're trying to survive the everyday life stuff on top of it.
I know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I've seen it. I've been there with Henry. But at 4 am when you've already been up six times with a tiny person that can't tell you what is wrong, it feels like a very dim, very far away light. And I try to remind myself that he has no idea what is going on either and it's probably scary as hell. He's seven weeks old, all of this is new to him. And he can't tell me why he feels the way that he does - he may not even know why he does. I know all of this, and when I'm staring at him in anger in the middle of the night, I try to remind myself of this, but it's hard. Really hard on some days.
(As evidence of this, just in the time I've been trying to write this post, Harrison woke up five times and then I had to eventually give up writing this and start again the next day when Brandon got home from work and gave me some time to work.)
I know they're worth it. I know I'm lucky. I know one day we'll look back on this and say "remember how much he needed us back then?" But right now, down deep in the trenches, it's hard. And I think we should acknowledge that more. So I'll go first : Having a newborn is really freaking hard.